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Humour Shots Part Seven
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One day a man comes home from work to find total mayhem at home. The kids were outside still in their pajamas playing in the mud and muck. There were empty food boxes and wrappers all around. As he proceeded into the house, he found an even bigger mess. Dishes on the counter, dog food spilled on the floor. The family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing, and a lamp had been knocked over.
He headed up the stairs, stepping over toys, to look for his wife. He was becoming worried that she may be ill, or that something had happened to her.
He found her in the bedroom, still in bed with her pajamas on, reading a book.
She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"
She answered, "You know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what I did today?"
"Well, today I didn't do it!"
As a new school Principal, Mr. Mitchell was checking over his school on the first day. Passing the stockroom, he wasstartled to see the door wide open and teachers bustling inand out, carrying off books and supplies in preparation for the arrival of students the next day.
The school where he had been a Principal the previous yearhad used a check-out system only slightly less elaborate than Fort Knox.
Cautiously, he asked the school's long time Custodian, "Doyou think it's wise to keep the stock room unlocked and to let the teachers take things without requisitions?"
The Custodian looked at him gravely. "We trust them with the kids, don't we?"
A woman rushed into the supermarket to pick up a few items. She headed for the express line where the clerk was talking on the phone with his back turned to her.
"Excuse me," she said, "I'm in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?"
The clerk turned, stared at her for a second, looked her up and down, smiled and said, "Not bad."
GRAMMAR SCHOOL STUDENTS ON MUSIC:
The principal singer of nineteenth century opera was calledpre-Madonna.
Sherbet composed the Unfinished Symphony.
All female parts were sung by castrati. We don't know exactly what they sounded like because there are no known descendants.
Young scholars have expressed their rapture for the Bronze Lullaby, the Taco Bell Cannon, Beethoven's Erotica, Tchaikovsky Cracknutter Suite, and Gershwin's Rap City in Blue.
Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel; if they sing without music it is called Acapulco.
A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.
Diatonic is a low calorie Schweppes.
Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the Hatfields and the McCoys.
A harp is a nude piano.
The correct way to find the key to a piece of music is to use a pitchfork.
I know what a sextet is but I'd rather not say.
Johann Sebastian Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic.
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Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped and returned to the gate. After an hour long wait, it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," he explained. "It took us awhile to find a new pilot."
A traveling salesman knocked on a farmer's door late one night and requested a place to sleep for the night.
"We're a little tight on space," said the farmer, "so I'm going to have to put you in with my three sons."
"Oh, pardon me," said the salesman, "I must be in the wrong joke."
The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck."
I used to watch golf on TV but my doctor told me that I need more exercise, so now I watch tennis.
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A professor asked a student to remain for a few moments after class. Holding out the young man's assignment, the professor said, "Did you write this poem all by yourself?"
The student said, "Every word of it."
The professor said, "Well then, I'm glad to meet you, Mr. Wordsworth. I thought you were long dead."
A nun, a Priest, an Irishman, a Jew, a Scotsman, a Rabbi, and a blonde all walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, "Is this some kind of joke?"
It's been so long since I made love I can't even remember who gets tied up.---Joan Rivers
One day a Pirate and a bartender were talking to eachother in a bar. The bartender asked the pirate " Where did you getthat peg leg from ?"
The Pirate responded" We were sailing overseas when abig ol' shark came up to me while I was a swimmin' andbit off me leg!"
Later the Bartender asked" Where did you get that hookfrom then ?" The Pirate responded " Well, me crew and I were in abattle and it got cut through the bone".
The Bartender then asked" Where did you get that eyepatch from ?" The Pirate said " In a harbour . .I looked at a gullflying overhead and it took a dump right in me eye !"
The Bartender was puzzled and asked the pirate, "Howwould that make you get an eye patch ?"
The pirate responded, "First day with the hook!"
"If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done." - Unknown
When Joe's wife ran away he got so depressed that his doctor sent him to see a psychiatrist. Joe told the psychiatrist his troubles and said, Life isn't worth living.
"Don't be stupid, Joe," said the psychiatrist. "Let work be your salvation. I want you to totally submerge yourself in your work. Now, do you do for a living?"
"I clean out septic tanks." Joe replied.
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Take This Scientific Quiz to Determine Your Guyness Quotient:
1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:
a. Present it to the president of the United States.
b. Present it to the secretary general of the United Nations.
c. Take it apart.
2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youth do you miss the most?
c. Cherry bombs.
3. When is it okay to kiss another male?
a. When you wish to display simple and pure affection withoutregard for narrow-minded social conventions.
b. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)
c. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.
4. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:
a. A cat.
b. A dog.
c. A dog that eats cats.
5. You have been seeing a woman for several years. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy--you're watching a football game; she's reading the papers--when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?
a. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it.
b. That although you also have strong feelings for her, youcannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
c. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen.
6. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her. How do you tell her?
a. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
b. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
c. Tell her what?
7. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:
a. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
b. "They're in school already?"
c. "There are three of them?"
8. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?
a. He was being tested.
b. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land whenthey finally got there.
c. He refused to ask directions.
9. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?
c. Remote control.
A good listener is usually thinking about something else.---Kin Hubbard
When a man goes on a date he wonders if he is going to getlucky. A woman already knows.---Frederick Ryder
"Veni, vidi, Visa. We came, we saw, we went shopping." - Patricia
During the "rush hour" at Houston's Hobby Airport, my flight was delayed due to a mechanical problem. Since they needed the gate for another flight, the aircraft was backed away from the gate while the maintenance crew worked on it.
We were then told a new gate number, which was some distance away. Everyone moved to the new gate, only to find that a third gate had been designated for us. After some further shuffling, everyone got on board, and as we were settling in, the flight attendant made the following announcement:
"We apologize for the inconvenience of this last-minute gate change. This flight is going to Washington, D.C. If your destination is not Washington, D.C., then you should 'deplane' at this time."
A very confused-looking and red-faced pilot emerged from the cockpit, carrying his bags. "Sorry," he said, "wrong plane."