« Humour Shots 10 | Index | Humour Shots 12 »
Humour Shots Part Eleven
1 2 3 4 5
Cowboy: "Well, I suppose you've been all right. You've been a decent horse, I guess. A bit slow sometimes, but a decent horse, and..."
Horse: "No, you idiot! I didn't ask you for FEEDBACK! I said I wanted my FEEDBAG!"
I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.
-- Dave Barry
George Bernard Shaw once sent two tickets to the opening night of one of his plays to Winston Churchill with the following note: "Bring a friend, if you have one."
Churchill wrote back, returning the two tickets and excused himself as he had a previous engagement. He also attached the following: "Please send me two tickets for the next night, if there is one."
The metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.
-- Dave Barry
Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. When they took it for a float on the river, they were surprised by a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator that is activated when the raft is inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing my mind, I swear we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again, and again they went right through. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red, but was really concerned that she was mistaken.
She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through. She turned to woman driving and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"
1 2 3 4 5
Teacher: "TZ, please list the 10 Commandments in any order."
TZ: "OK. 3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7."
"I like to tease my plants. I water them with ice cubes."
-- Steven Wright
I have my changed my system for labeling homemade freezer meals. I used to carefully note in large clear letters, "Meatloaf" or "Beef casserole" or "Steak and Vegetables" or "Lasagna" or "Creamed Chicken."
However, I used to get frustrated when I asked my husband what he wanted for dinner because he never asked for any of those things. So, I decided to stock the freezer with what he really likes.
If you look in my freezer now you'll see a whole new set of labels. You'll find dinners with neat, legible tags that say: "Whatever," "Anything," "I Don't Know," "I Don't Care," "Something Good," or "Food." My frustration is now reduced because no matter what my husband replies when I ask him what he wants for dinner, I know that it is there waiting.
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats could smell the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.
He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.
"OK, follow me", he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge forest.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood.
"Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, YES!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good" said the first bat, "Because I bloody well didn't"
A Sunday School teacher asked her class, "Does anyone know what we mean by sins of omission?"
A small girl replied, "Aren't those the sins we should have committed, but didn't?"
Two nuns are riding their bikes down the back streets of Rome.
One leans over to the other and says, "You know, I've never come this way before."
The other nun whispers, "It's the cobblestones."
He didn't want to marry her for her money, but he didn't know how else to get it.
1 2 3 4 5
Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.
He went there, laid on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better.
The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.
Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, "Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It's very common among losers."
Education: the path from cocky ignorance to miserable uncertainty.
-- Mark Twain
The other night, my wife and I were going out for dinner.
She put on eyebrow pencil, eye shadow, eyeliner, eyelashes, mascara, toner, blush and lipstick, then turned to me and said, "Does this look natural?"
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.
-- Oscar Wilde
A professor was giving a lecture on company slogans in a college advertising and marketing class.
"Joe," he asked, "which company has the slogan, 'Come fly the friendly skies'?"
"United." Joe answered.
"Brenda, can you tell me which company has the slogan, "Don't leave home without it?"
Brenda answered the correct credit card company with no difficulty.
"Now John, Tell me which company uses the slogan, 'Just do it'?"
And John answered, "Mom."
1 2 3 4 5
The mind of a six year old is wonderful. True story.
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the three Little Pigs to her class.
She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home.
She read, "...and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"
One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said 'Holy Shit! A talking pig!"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
Ed finally decides to take a vacation. He books himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeds to have the time of his life - until the boat sank. He found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies. Nothing. Only Bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most beautiful woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief, he asks her, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?" "I rowed from the other side of the island," she says. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank." "Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you." "Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw material I found on the Island, the oars were whittled from tree branches, I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree." "But-but, that's impossible," stutters Ed. "You had no tools or hardware how did you manage?"
"Oh that was no problem," replies the woman. "On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."
Ed is stunned. "Lets row over to my place," she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As Ed looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, he could only stare ahead dumbstruck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please, would you like to have a drink?"
"No, no thank you," he says, still dazed " Can't take anymore coconut juice." "It's not coconut juice," the woman replies "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, he accepts, and they sit down on her couch and talk.
After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I' m going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom." No longer questioning anything, Ed goes into the bathroom. There in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle, two shells honed to a hollow round edge are fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. "Wow this woman is amazing," He muses, "What next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines strategically positioned-and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.
"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, we've been out here for a really long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months, You know......" she stares into his eyes.
He can't believe what he's hearing: "You mean---", he swallows excitedly, "I can check my e-mail from here.....?"
A mother mouse and baby mouse are out and about scuttling around the house when suddenly the cat jumps out in front of them. Mother Mouse stands her ground and lets out an almight Woof, Woof, Woof. The Cat, startled - runs off and Mother Mouse turns to Baby Mouse and says."See - I told you how important it is to learn a foreign language".
A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census
1 2 3 4 5
Bella was terribly upset. Her fiancée, Marvin, had been to a clinical psychologist, and the results were not entirely consoling.
She said to her mother, "I'm not sure the marriage would be happy, Ma. The psychologist says Marvin tests out to have a pronounced Oedipus complex."
Her mother shrugged and said, "Don't listen to that fancy talk. I've watched Marvin and I tell you he's all right. Look how he loves his mother."
Historical evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers (known as lawn bowling at the time). However, all the league records were unfortunately lost to antiquity. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
A man comes to a doctor and, twitching his fingers and stuttering, finally manages to say, "Doctor, I have a sexual performance problem. Can you help me?" "Oh, that's not a problem for us men anymore!" announces a proud physician, "They just came out with this new wonder drug, Viagra, that does the trick! You take some pills, and your problems are history" So the doctor gives the man a prescription and sends him on his merry way. A couple of months later, the doctor runs into his patient on the street. "Doctor, Doctor!" exclaims the man excitedly, "I've got to thank you! This drug is a miracle! It's wonderful! "Well, I'm glad to hear that" says the pleased physician, "What does your wife think about it?" "Wife?" asks the man, "I haven't been home yet."
A scientist finds evidence of an actual dinosaur, alive and living in the rainforests of South America. He campaigns several universities and succeeds in getting a grant to launch an expedition.
Several weeks pass and the expedition party stumble upon a 3 foot tall pigmy standing near a 300 foot long dead dinosaur.
The scientist approaches the pigmy and exclaims, "Dear Lord! Did you kill this dinosaur?"
"Yep!" replied the pigmy.
"But, it's so big and you're so small!"
"Yep!", replied the pigmy.
"How the hell did you kill it?" inquired the scientist.
"With my club," replied the pigmy.
"How big is your club?" demanded the scientist.
The pigmy replied, "Well, there're about 50 of us!"
Two men were down on their luck and decided to paint houses to earn some extra money. To start their business they asked the pastor of a local church if he would be interested in their service. He agreed and the men went out to buy the paint. As they drove to the paint store they decided that they would mix half paint and half water to try to increase their profits.
When they finished the job they called the pastor outside to look at their work. "The color looks a little dull," the pastor said. "You boys didn't cut the paint with water did you?"
They hung their heads and confessed they had. The pastor was very firm with them and said, "You must repaint and thin no more."
One night a wife found her husband standing over their new- born baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism.
Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband.
"A penny for your thoughts," she whispered.
"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $49.95."
A priest rushed from church one day to keep a golf date. He was halfway down the first fairway, waiting to hit his second shot, when he heard the familiar "FORE!" and a ball slammed into his back.
Soon the golfer who had made the drive was on the scene to offer his apologies. When the priest assured him that he was all right, the man smiled. "Thank goodness, Father!" he exclaimed. "I've been playing this game for forty years, and now I can finally tell my friends that I've hit my first holy one!"
Q: What's the difference between a dog and a fox?
A: About eight beers.
"Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped."
-- Groucho Marx
Bartender: "What'll you have?"
Consumer: "A scotch, please."
The bartender hands him the drink, and says, "That'll be five dollars.
The imbiber says, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this."
A lawyer, sifting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then offers, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.
The bartender was not impressed, but says to the smiling drinker, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again.
The next day, the winner walks into the bar.
The bartender says, "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!"
"What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!"
"I bet," says the bartender. "You must have a double then."
"Thank you. Make it a scotch."