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Humour Shots Part Threee

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An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

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Inventive warnings..

1. ON TESCO'S TIRIMASU DESERT - Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)

2. ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING - Product will be hot after heating

3. ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON - Do not Iron clothes on body

4. ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID) - Warning: may cause drowsiness

5. ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE - Warning keep out of children

6. ON A STRING OF CHINESE-MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS - For indoor or outdoor use only.

7. ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR - Not to be used for the other use

8. ON SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS - Warning: contains nuts

9. ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS - Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

10. ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW - Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands

11. ON A PACKET OF SUNMAID RAISINS - Why not try tossing over your favorite breakfast cereal?

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And you think you have had a bad day...

1. A psychology student rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an ax leaving her mentally retarded.
2. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. A shame as he had merely been listening to his Walkman.
3. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. You've guessed it, he opened it...

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A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large."

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows."

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those?" The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"

As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane.

When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons. "Do you wish to check

the raccoons through as luggage?" she asked. "No, thanks," replied the vultures. "They're carrion."

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The Year's Best Actual News Headlines

1. Include Your Children when Baking Cookies

2. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

4. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

5. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

6. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

8. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

9. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

10. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

11. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms

12. Eye Drops Off Shelf

13. Teachers Strike Idle Kids

14. Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

15. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax

16. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

17. Miners Refuse to Work after Death

18. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

19. Stolen Painting Found by Tree

20. Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter

21. Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

22. Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One

23. War Dims Hope for Peace

24. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

25. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

26. Deer Kill 17,000

27. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

28. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

29. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

30. Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

31. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

32. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

33. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

34. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

35. Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire

36. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood

37. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

38. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

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