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« Humour Shots 12 | Index | Humour Shots 14 »
Humour Shots Part Thirteen
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The mind of a six year old is wonderful. True story.
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the three Little Pigs to her class.
She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home.
She read, "...and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"
One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said 'Holy Shit! A talking pig!"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
Ed finally decides to take a vacation. He books himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeds to have the time of his life - until the boat sank. He found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies. Nothing. Only Bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most beautiful woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief, he asks her, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
"I rowed from the other side of the island," she says. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank." "Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you." "Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw material I found on the Island, the oars were whittled from tree branches, I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree." "But-but, that's impossible," stutters Ed. "You had no tools or hardware how did you manage?"
"Oh that was no problem," replies the woman. "On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."
Ed is stunned. "Lets row over to my place," she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As Ed looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, he could only stare ahead dumbstruck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please, would you like to have a drink?"
"No, no thank you," he says, still dazed " Can't take anymore coconut juice." "It's not coconut juice," the woman replies "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, he accepts, and they sit down on her couch and talk.
After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I' m going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom." No longer questioning anything, Ed goes into the bathroom. There in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle, two shells honed to a hollow round edge are fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. "Wow this woman is amazing," He muses, "What next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines strategically positioned-and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.
"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, we've been out here for a really long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months, You know......" she stares into his eyes.
He can't believe what he's hearing: "You mean---", he swallows excitedly, "I can check my e-mail from here.....?"
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A mother mouse and baby mouse are out and about scuttling around the house when suddenly the cat jumps out in front of them. Mother Mouse stands her ground and lets out an almight Woof, Woof, Woof. The Cat, startled - runs off and Mother Mouse turns to Baby Mouse and says."See - I told you how important it is to learn a foreign language".
A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."
Bella was terribly upset. Her fiancée, Marvin, had been to a clinical psychologist, and the results were not entirely consoling.
She said to her mother, "I'm not sure the marriage would be happy, Ma. The psychologist says Marvin tests out to have a pronounced Oedipus complex."
Her mother shrugged and said, "Don't listen to that fancy talk. I've watched Marvin and I tell you he's all right. Look how he loves his mother."
Historical evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers (known as lawn bowling at the time). However, all the league records were unfortunately lost to antiquity. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
A man comes to a doctor and, twitching his fingers and stuttering, finally manages to say, "Doctor, I have a sexual performance problem. Can you help me?" "Oh, that's not a problem for us men anymore!" announces a proud physician, "They just came out with this new wonder drug, Viagra, that does the trick! You take some pills, and your problems are history" So the doctor gives the man a prescription and sends him on his merry way.
A couple of months later, the doctor runs into his patient on the street. "Doctor, Doctor!" exclaims the man excitedly, "I've got to thank you! This drug is a miracle! It's wonderful! "Well, I'm glad to hear that" says the pleased physician, "What does your wife think about it?" "Wife?" asks the man, "I haven't been home yet."
A scientist finds evidence of an actual dinosaur, alive and living in the rainforests of South America. He campaigns several universities and succeeds in getting a grant to launch an expedition.
Several weeks pass and the expedition party stumble upon a 3 foot tall pigmy standing near a 300 foot long dead dinosaur.
The scientist approaches the pigmy and exclaims, "Dear Lord! Did you kill this dinosaur?"
"Yep!" replied the pigmy.
"But, it's so big and you're so small!"
"Yep!", replied the pigmy.
"How the hell did you kill it?" inquired the scientist.
"With my club," replied the pigmy.
"How big is your club?" demanded the scientist.
The pigmy replied, "Well, there're about 50 of us!"
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Two cowboys from Arizona walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust from their throats. They stand at the bar, drinking their beers and talking quietly about cattle prices. Suddenly a woman at a table behind them, who had been eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so it becomes apparent that she is in real distress, and the cowboys turn to look at her.
"Kin ya swaller? asks one of the cowboys.
No, the woman shakes her head.
"Kin ya breathe?" asks the other.
The woman, beginning to turn a bit blue, shakes her head No again.
The first cowboy walks over to her, lifts up the back of her skirt, yanks down her panties, and slowly runs his tongue from the back of her thigh up to the small of her back. This shocks the woman to a violent spasm, the obstruction flies out of her mouth, and she begins to breathe again.
The cowboy walks back over to the bar and takes a drink of his beer.
His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there Hind Lick Maneuver, but, I never seen anybody do it."
Q: Did you hear about the Polish weightlifter who won an Olympic gold medal in the clean-and-jerk competition?
A: As soon as he gets home, he's going to have his medal bronzed!
Two men were down on their luck and decided to paint houses to earn some extra money. To start their business they asked the pastor of a local church if he would be interested in their service. He agreed and the men went out to buy the paint. As they drove to the paint store they decided that they would mix half paint and half water to try to increase their profits.
When they finished the job they called the pastor outside to look at their work. "The color looks a little dull," the pastor said. "You boys didn't cut the paint with water did you?"
They hung their heads and confessed they had. The pastor was very firm with them and said, "You must repaint and thin no more."
Literature is mostly about having sex and not much about having children; life is the other way around.
- David Lodge
Q: Why was there no Cuban rowing team in the Summer Olympics?
A: Because any Cuban who can row is already in Miami!
A survey of personnel executives at 200 of the Fortune 1,000 companies provided the following unbelievable but true examples of job applicant behavior.
"The reason the candidate was taking so long to respond to a question became apparent when he began to snore."
"When I gave him my business card at the beginning of the interview, he immediately crumpled it and tossed it in the wastebasket."
"I received a resume and letter that said that the recent high-school graduate wanted to earn $25 an hour-'and not a nickel less.'"
"(The applicant) said she had just graduated cum laude, but she had no idea what cum laude meant. However, she was proud of her grade point average. It was 2.1."
"(The applicant) insisted on telling me that he wasn't afraid of hard work. But insisted on adding he was afraid of horses and didn't like jazz, modern art, or seafood."
"She actually showed up for an interview during the summer wearing a bathing suit. She said she didn't think I'd mind."
"He sat down opposite me, made himself comfortable, and proceeded to put his foot up on my desk."
"The interview had gone well, until he told me that he and his friends wore my company's clothing whenever they could. I had to tell him that we manufactured office products, not sportswear."
"(The applicant) applied for a customer service position, although, as he confided, he really wasn't a people person."
"Without asking if I minded, he casually lit a cigar and then tossed the match onto my carpet-and couldn't understand why I was upset."
"On the phone, I had asked the candidate to bring his resume and a couple of references. He arrived with the resume-and two people."
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Just about all my life I belonged to the Uniting Church. When I married my wife, I converted to her church. In order to do so, I had to attend classes.
At the first session, the minister conducting the class said, "What must we do before we can expect forgiveness from God?" I replied, perhaps too quickly... "Sin?"
"How come you're late?" asked the bartender, as the blonde waitress walked into the bar.
"It was awful," she explained. "I was walking down Elm street and there was a terrible accident. A man was thrown from his car and he was lying in the middle of the street. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that first-aid course."
"What did you do?" asked the bartender.
"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"
The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading.
After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude...?"
After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."
This bloke is working on the buses and collecting tickets. He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman half getting on the bus.
The driver sets off; the woman falls from the bus and is killed. At the trial the bloke is sent down for murder, and seeing as it's Texas, he's sent to the electric chair. On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.
"Well," says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?" "Yes," answers the executioner. "Can I have that green banana?"
The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits till he's eaten it.
When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch, sending hundreds of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it.
"Can I go?" the man asks. "I suppose so," says the executioner, "that's never happened before."
The man leaves and eventually gets his job back on the buses selling tickets. Yet again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed.
The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair. The executioner is determined to do it right this time, so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas. The bloke is again sat in the chair.
"What is your final wish?" asks the executioner. "Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch?" says the condemned man.
The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch. Millions of volts course through the chair, blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears, the man is still sat there smiling in the chair. The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.
The bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair again. The executioner rigs up all the world's electricity to the chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling.
"What's your final wish?" asks the executioner. "Well," says the man, "can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch?"
The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner pulls the handle and a zillion million trillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark.
"I give up," says the executioner, "I don't understand how you can still be alive after all that?"
He strokes his chin. "Its something to do with that green banana isn't it?" he asks.
"Nah," says the bloke, "I'm just a bad conductor."
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A grandfather bought a hobby horse by mail order as a Christmas present for his granddaughter.
The toy arrived in 189 pieces. The instructions said that it could be put together in an hour.
However it took the old man two days to assemble the toy. Finally, when it was all put together, he wrote a check, cut it into 189 pieces and posted it off to the company.
"I want to know what good is a web search engine that returns 324,909,188 'matches' to my key word. That's like saying, "Good news, we've located the product you're looking for. It's on Earth." -Bruce Cameron
"More than any time in history, mankind now faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly."
- Woody Allen
Never drink black coffee at lunch; it will keep you awake in the afternoon.
- Jilly Cooper
1. A HIGHER INTELLIGENCE...
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership." He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS!
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up".
3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???
An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
4. THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
5. DID I SAY THAT???
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "that's not what I said!"
6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??
A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor asked.
"No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"
7. NOT THE SHARPEST KNIFE IN THE DRAWER!!
In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. ( hellllllloooooooooo !)
8. THE GRAND FINALE
This is a true story! Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22-ft. Bayliner to perform. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power was applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted over to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working order. The engine ran fine, the out drive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch. So one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
REMEMBER, THIS IS TRUE*
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.
Why Yelling At Men Doesn't Work
What a woman says:
This place is a mess! C'mon!
You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor
and you'll have no clothes
to wear if we don't do laundry right now!
What a man hears
blah,blah,blah,blah, C'MON
blah,blah,blah,blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah,blah,blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah,blah,blah,blah, NO CLOTHES
blah,blah,blah,blah, RIGHT NOW
"My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the natural enemy of a tightrope walker."
- Emo Philips
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