Humour Shots Part One

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Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?
Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.
Judge: Can't they do without you at work?
Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.

Judge: The charge here is theft of frozen chickens. Are you the defendant?
Defendant: No, sir, I'm the guy who stole the chickens.

Manny is almost 29 years old, his friends have already got married, and Manny just dates and dates.

Finally a friend asks him, "What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you that particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?"

"No," Manny replies. "I meet many nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my Mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!"

"Listen," his friend suggests, "Why don't you find a girl who's just like your dear ole Mother?"

Many weeks go by and again Manny and his friend get together. "So Manny. Did you find the perfect girl yet. One that's just like your Mother?"

Manny shrugs his shoulders, "Yes I found one just like Mum. My mother loved her, they became fast friends."

So do I owe you a Mazel Tov? "Are you and this girl engaged, yet?"

"I'm afraid not, my Father can't stand her!"

A guy is walking past a big wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!

Quite curious about this, he finds a hole in the fence, and looks in. Someone inside pokes him in the eye. Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!

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John invited his mother to dinner. During the meal, his mother could not help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was and she could not help wandering whether there was more between John and the housekeeper than met the eye. Reading his mother's thoughts, John volunteered "I know what your must be thinking, but I assure you that my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional"

About a week later, the housekeeper came to John and said, "ever since your mum came to dinner, I have been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle; you don't suppose that she took it, do you?" John thought it was doubtful but decided to write his mom a letter.

Dear Mother, I can't find my silver grave ladle. I'm not saying that you did take it from my house and I'm not saying that you did not...but the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you had dinner over here.........

Several days later John received a reply from his mother.

Dear Son: I'm not saying that you do sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with your housekeeper. But, the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found the gravy ladle by now......Love, mum!

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A transcript of the new answering service recently installed at a mental health institute.

"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you are obsessively-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mothership.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press . no-one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self esteem. Please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.

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Subject: Answering Machines & recorded messages...

Actual answering machine answers recorded and verified by the world famous International Institute of Answering Machine Answers.

My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

A is for academics,

B is for beer.

One of those reasons is why we're not here.

So leave a message.

Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

"Hi. Now you say something."

"Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep."

"Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?"

(From my Japanese friend in Toronto) He-lo! This is Sa-to. If you leave message, I call you soon. If you leave *sexy* message, I call sooner!

"Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these cute little magnets."

"Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.'

"Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you."

"This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call."

"Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."

"Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back."

"If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message."

"You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very, sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message."

"You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of *your* voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you."

Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

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This man is at work one day when he notices that his male co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."

"Yo, Bob, I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Oh yeah. Sure," says Bob sheepishly.

"Really? How long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in our bed."

Ten year old Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream...when his mother enters the kitchen. She says, "Put that away Johnny. You can't have ice cream now. It's too close to supper time. Go outside and play." Johnny whimpers and says, "There's no one to play with." Trying to placate him, she says, "OK. I'll play with you. What do you want to play?" He says, "I wanna play Mummies and Daddies."

Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she says, "Fine, I'll play. What do I do?" Johnny says, "You go up to the bedroom and lie down." Figuring that she can easily control the situation...Mum goes upstairs. Johnny, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility cupboard. He dons his father's old fishing hat.

As he starts up the stairs he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway.

His mother raises up and says, "What do I do now?"

In a gruff manner, Johnny says, "Get your butt downstairs and get that kid some ice cream!

A true story from a reader, who writes that it occurred during her stint of jury duty:

I was on a panel for prospective jury duty. The first barrister questioning us began right off as an intimidating showman. When he came to his question, "Do any of you here today dislike lawyers?", before the pause became too long, the judge announced, "I do."

A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach contemplating how badly treated she got over the divorce settlement, when she spies a magic lamp washing up onshore. She rubs the lamp, and out pops a magical genie!! The genie notices her anger and lets her vent her troubles to him. As a consolation, the genie informs her that he will give her three wishes. But, he cautions her that because he does not believe in divorce, he will give her ex-husband ten times the amount of whatever she wishes.

The woman is steaming mad, thinking that this is hardly fair, but she makes her first wish. The first wish was for a billion dollars. The genie grants her wish and she finds herself sitting in pile of one billion one-dollar bills.

The genie then reminds her that her husband is now the recipient of 10 billion dollars. The woman can barely contain her anger when she makes her second wish. The second wish was for a beautiful mansion on the shore of her own private beach. In an instant it was granted, but the genie then reminds again that her ex-husband now owns ten of what she wished for, and points out at the beach to a small development of ten such mansions.

Upon hearing this, the woman takes her time to contemplate her last wish. Just as the genie was about to give up on her, the woman informs the genie that she wants to make the last wish. But, before she can do this, the genie again warns her that her ex-husband will get ten times what she wishes for.

"No problem," said the woman as she grinned in ecstasy. "For my last wish ... I'd like to give birth to twins."

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A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying....

"Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.

The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"

"No, miss, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's station-wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farmhouse and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night.

I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Not to worry," Jack said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn."

Nine months later, Jack got a letter from the widow's attorney. He called up his friend Bob and said, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?"

"Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?"

"Yes, I have to admit that I did."

"Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turns red and he said, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did."

"Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!"

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father (never having seen a lift) responded

"Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out.

The father said to his son, "Go get your Mother."

A fire started on some grasslands near a farm. The country fire department was called to put out the fire. The fire was more than the country fire department could handle. Someone suggested that a nearby volunteer bunch be called. Despite some doubt that the volunteer outfit would be of any assistance, the call was made.

The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They rumbled straight toward the fire, drove right into the middle of the flames and stopped! The firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the centre of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily-controlled parts.

Watching all this, the farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work and was so grateful that his farm had been spared, that right there on the spot he presented the volunteers with a cheque for $1,000.

A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds. "That oughtta be obvious, " he responded, wiping ashes off his coat. "The first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on that truck!"

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