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Humour Shots Part Nine
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My daughter was doing a project on 70's rock groups, and she asked me to name 2 of them.
"Yes!" I said.
"Who?" she asked.
"There you go," I replied.
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "this driver is just as dangerous as a speeder".
So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies in the car, two in the front seat and three in the back, wide-eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit. What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am", the Officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No Sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly....Twenty-Two miles an hour" the old woman says a bit proudly.
The officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the highway number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go Ma'am, I have to ask.....is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered asingle peep this whole time", the officer asks. "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute Officer. We just got off Highway 135.
A man was out walking a dog, and a woman stopped to admire the animal.
"What's your dog's name?" she asked.
"Herpes," replied the dog's owner.
"How....odd," said the woman. "Why Herpes?"
"Because he won't heel."
"This recipe is certainly silly. It says to separate two eggs, but it doesn't say how far to separate them."
- Gracie Allen
"When I was a baby, I kept a diary. Recently, I was rereading it. It said, 'Day 1 - Still tired from the move. Day 2 - Everybody talks to me like I'm an idiot.'"
- Steven Wright
"You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right, I never would have thought of that.'"
- Dave Barry
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The old man had died. A wonderful funeral was in progress and the country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased, what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was.
Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, "Go up there and take a look in the coffin and see if that's your pa."
It has been determined that having sex before participating in athletic activity, such as a marathon race, does not impair the athlete's performance.
In fact, men have known and displayed this for centuries. After sex, they glance at their watches and say, "Oops, gotta run!"
Paddy & Mick are walking home after a night on the town - theyve got no money to get a taxi and are staggering all over the place, when the find themselves outside the bus depot....
Paddy has a brainwave & says to Mick - "get in there & steal a bus so that we can drive home - I will stay here & look out for the Police"..
Mick duly breaks into the garage & is gone for 20 mins. while Paddy is wondering what he is doing... Eventually Paddy sticks his head around the door & here is Mick running from bus to bus looking very worried..
What are you doing Mick - get a move on !, to whick Mick replies: "I cant find a No 7 bus anywhere Paddy..
Paddy holding his head in disbelief, shouts -"you idiot Mick, take a No 9 & we will get off at the roundabout & walk the rest of the way !!!!
God looks over the millions of people and says, "Welcome to Heaven. The women are to go with Saint Peter, and the men are then to form two lines. Make one line of the men that dominated their women on earth, and the other of men who were dominated by their women."
With much movement the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by women is 100 miles long but the line of men who dominated women has only one man.
God gets angry and says, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all dominated by your mates? Look at the only one of you that stood up and made me proud and prepare to learn from him!"
God turns to the man and says, "Tell them, my son. How you managed to be the only one on that line?"
The man says, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."
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'You want us to do WHAT?'
- Ancient Chinese wall engineer.
Adam was walking around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said he was going to give him a companion and it would be a woman. He said "This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear you children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you have a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed." Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God said, "An arm and a leg."
Adam said, "What can I get for just a rib?" And the rest is history.
An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty.
Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.
"Done!" says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning.
Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light.
One of his colleagues whispers, "Say something."
The dean sighs and says, "I should have taken the money."
After discovering her young daughter playing doctor with the neighbor's boy, the angry mother grabbed the boy by the ear and dragged him to his house and confronted his mother.
"It's only natural for young boys and girls to explore their sexuality by playing doctor at their age," the neighbor said. "Sexuality?!" the mother yelled. "He took out her appendix!"
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The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local card and novelty shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss." He then taped it to his office door. Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any recent interest in his paintings which happened to be on display.
"I have good news and bad news," the gallery owner replied. " The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death."
"What did you say?" questioned the artist.
"When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."
"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed.
"What's the bad news?"
"The gentleman was your doctor...."
There was a frugal tradesman, a painter called Jack, who was very interested in making a buck or two where he could. So he often would thin down his paint to make it go a bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time.
Eventually the Presbyterian Church decided to do a big restoration job on one of their biggest churches. Jack put in a painting bid and because his price was so competitive, he got the job. And so he set to, with a right good will, erecting the trestles and putting up the planks, and buying the paint and...yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with the turpentine.
Well, Jack was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder. The sky opened and the rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over the church and knocking Jack far off the scaffold to land on the ground. Now, Jack was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he fell on his knees and cried, "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"
From the thunder, a mighty Voice spoke, "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"
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Interviewing the young Swede for a job as teller, the bank president is amazed with the skill the applicant exhibits at handling money.
"So," the president says, "where did you get your training?"
"Yale," the fair-haired youth replies.
"I see. And what did you say your name was?"
He answers, "Yackson."
The three-time felon felt a wave of panic come over him as he surveyed the jury in the courthouse. Positive he'd never beat the murder rap, he managed to get hold of one of the kinder looking jurors, and bribe her with his life savings to go for a manslaughter verdict.
Sure enough, at the close of the trial the jury declared him guilty of manslaughter. Tears of gratitude welling up in his eyes, the young man had a moment with the juror before being led off to prison. "Thank you, thank you - how'd you do it?"
"It wasn't easy," she admitted. "They all wanted to acquit you."
"I'm sorry," said the clerk in flower shop, "we don't have potted geraniums. Could you use African violets instead?"
Replied the customer sadly, "No, it was geraniums my wife told me to water while she was gone."