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Humour Shots Part Twenty One
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A couple went golfing one day at a very exclusive course lined with million dollar homes. On the third tee, the husband cautioned, "Honey, be careful when you drive. If we break one of those windows it'll cost us a fortune to repair"
Of course, she teed off and promptly hooked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed, "I warned you to watch out! Now we'll have to go up there and apologize and see how much that lousy drive is going to cost us."
They walked up, knocked on the door, and a warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw glass all over the place and a broken antique bottle lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke the window"? "Uh..., yeah, we're sure sorry about that," the husband replied. "Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."
"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem", said the genie, "You've got it. I have already put a million dollars in your bank account. It's the least I can do."
"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.
"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world." she said. "Consider it done. The deeds are now in your name," the genie said. "And now," the couple both asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?" She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering all that, I guess I wouldn't mind."
The genie and the woman went upstairs where he ravished her for the rest of the afternoon. Both satisfied each other repeatedly, and afterwards, the genie rolled over and looked at the wife and asked, "How old are you and your husband?
"Why, we're both 35" she responded breathlessly.
"No shit! Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"
My seven-year-old son informed us that part of his tooth had come out. We checked and, sure enough, a piece had broken off.
Trying to lighten the moment, I asked my husband, "What do you suppose the tooth fairy gives for half a tooth?"
"Nothing," he replied, "She wants the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth."
Two Hasidic Jews were walking down the street one day. They ran into Abe, an old friend. When they ask how he was doing he said, "I'm doing great. I just hit the lottery for ten million dollars!."
Naturally aroused they ask him what he did with the money. He replied, "I bought the biggest piece of property money could but right in the heart of Berlin, Germany. On that property, I built a mansion and on my front lawn I put a solid gold life size statue of Adolf Hitler!"
His friends are completely shocked and couldn't believe what he had done. They said, "Adolf Hitler, vat are you crazy?"
With that, he calmly pointed at his inner forearm and says, "Adolf vasn't such a bad guy...he gave me the winning numbers!
Little Noah came into the house with a new harmonica. "Grandpa, do you mind if I play this in here?"
"Of course not, Noah. I love music. In fact, when your grandma and I were young, music saved my life."
"Well, it was during the famous Johnstown flood. The dam broke and when the water hit out house it knocked it right off the foundation. Grandma got on the dining room table and floated out safely."
"How about you?"
"Me? I accompanied her on the piano
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Ask any man, and he will tell you that any woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once. While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is a boxing ring square?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why is it that to stop Windows 95 or 98, you have to click on "Start"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavour, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary?
Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
This woman dies, and when she gets to heaven she asks Saint Peter, "Would it be possible for me to get together with my dear departed husband? He died many years ago."
Saint Peter asks, "What's his name?"
"John Smith," replies the woman.
"Gee," says Saint Peter, "we've got a lot of John Smiths up here. But sometimes we can identify people by their last words. Do you happen to remember what his last words were?"
The woman thinks for a moment, then says, "Oh yes! I remember them! He said that if I ever slept with another man after he was gone, he would roll over in his grave."
"Oh!" says Saint Peter. "You mean Whirling John Smith!"
How would you find Adam and Eve in a crowd?
They're the only ones without belly buttons.
Mrs. Jones was reading a letter at breakfast. Suddenly she looked up suspiciously at her husband.
"Henry," she said, "I've just received a letter from mother saying she isn't accepting our invitation to come and stay, as we do not appear to want her. What does she mean by that? I told you to write and say that she was to come at her own convenience. You did write, didn't you?"
"Er, yes, I did," said the husband. "But I couldn't spell 'convenience,' so I made it 'risk."
"Sad news. Ted Mann, founder of Mann's Theaters, one of the biggest, largest movie chains in the country, died last week. Services will be Sunday at 12.15, 3.30, 6.45, and 9."
- Jay Leno
Supposed to be true
I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that I had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically, and suggesting I take a closer look. Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror - wearing nothing but a camera!_
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For new fathers, or anyone thinking about becoming a father, you must learn these WORDS OF WISDOM:
Don't ask me, ask your mother.
Close the door. Were you raised in a tent?
You didn't beat me. I let you win.
Who said life was supposed to be fair.
This will hurt me a lot more than it hurts you.
You call that noise "music"?
No, we're not there yet.
When I was your age, I treated MY father with respect.
As long as you live under my roof, you'll live by my rules.
Because I said so. That's why.
Do what I say, not what I do.
So you think you're smart, do you?
If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times.
You want something to do? I'll give you something to do.
I'm not just talking to hear my own voice!
What do you think I am, a bank?
What part of NO don't you understand?
I don't care what other people are doing! I'm not everybody else's father!
If you're gonna be dumb, you've gotta be tough.
Enough is enough!
Don't make me stop the car!
A very wealthy man says to his wife, "Honey, if I lost all of my money, would you still love me?"
"Of course I would," says the wife. "But I sure would miss you!"
"Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of scorn to smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams."
- Mary Ellen Kelly
"Why are women wearing perfumes that smell like flowers? Men don't like flowers. I've been wearing a great scent. It's called New Car Interior."
Subject: Church Bulletins These sentences actually appeared in a church bulletin or were announced in a church service!
Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."
"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water" The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus"
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get..
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy."
Don't let worry kill you off -- let the Church help.
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
So a dyslexic walks into a bra . . .
A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"
The mother says, "It's my daughter, Debbie. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."
The doctor gives Debbie a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Debbie is pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess."
The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Debbie?"
Debbie says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!" The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"
The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. And there's no way I'm going to miss it!
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Unhappiness is not knowing what we want and killing ourselves to get it. - Don Herold
When your wife asks, "Do I look fat?" The correct response is, "Do I look stupid?"
I asked my psychiatrist if she thought I was crazy, she said "no", so I let her up.
This true from a Friday Funnies subscriber
A friend of our family has a five year old grandson who has just started school. On the first day of school the teacher told the children there would be some rules in the classroom and if they had any to contribute she would like to hear them.
The first little chap said, "you mustn't run inside".
The second child said, "you shouldn't hit other people".
And our friend's son William said "You shouldn't fart in other people's faces Miss!".
She apparently said, "That's right William. (Out of interest - William's mum is a doctor and his dad is a secondary school teacher!) I think the teacher rang William's parents that night and told them his rule.
Looking back over my own "funnies", I rediscovered this piece of invaluable advice for consultants:
"There are two rules for success in life:
1. Don't tell people everything you know."
A guy was invited to some old friends' home for dinner.
His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.
He was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years, and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his buddy:
"I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names."
His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth," he said, "I forgot her name about ten years ago."
From sean moran
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. - Alan, age 10
No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry.
God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. - Kirsten, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. Camille, age 10
No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married. - Freddie, age 6
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. - Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids. - Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. - Lynnette, age 8
On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. - Martin, age10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. - Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich. - Pam, age 7
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. - Curt, age 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. - Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. - Anita, age 9
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? - Kelvin, age 8
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck. - Ricky, age 10
I'm not taking the blame for this one
it is Simon Callahan's fault
A Dog Named Mace
A mechanic who worked out of his home had a dog named Mace.
Mace had a bad habit of eating all the grass in the mechanic's lawn, so the mechanic had to keep Mace inside. The grass eventually became overgrown.
One day the mechanic was working on a car in his back yard and dropped his wrench losing it in the tall grass. He couldn't find it for the life of him so decided to call it a day.
That night Mace escaped from the house and ate all the grass in the back yard. The next morning the mechanic went outside and saw his wrench glinting in the sunlight.
Realizing what had happened he looked up the the heavens and proclaimed......
"A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound that saved a wrench for me!"
Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but they can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.
Everybody keeps saying that women are smarter than men, but did you ever see a man wearing a shirt that buttons down the back?
"Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?"
Behind every successful man stands a surprised mother-in-law.
- Hubert Humphrey
A woman was in a gambling casino for the first time. At the roulette she says, "I have no idea what number to play." The croupier suggests she play her age. Smiling at the man, she puts her money on number 29.
The wheel is spun, and as the ball settles into the 36 slot the woman falls over into a dead faint.
A mother was teaching her three-year-old The Lord's Prayer.
For several evenings at bedtime, the child repeated it after the mother.
Then one night the child was ready to solo.
The mother listened with pride to the carefully enunciated words, right up to the end:
"And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us some e-mail."
True story from Lorraine.
She had finally completed her Ph.D. This is how she reported what happened when she informed her mother that she was now a doctor.
"Love my mums comment
Mum who wears a hearing aide and sometimes does not pick up things clearly when told the news, said
that's nice dear, I had some good news from the Doctor too, I don't have to have another colonoscopy
. I guess that keeps everything in perspective!!!!"
Another real experience from Judy
Just to let you know you did very positive work on Thursday at the morning seminar. I got home in the afternoon and painted my garage I felt so energised. This is winter the garage door gets very little sun late afternoon and it looked fabulous when I had finished. Next morning I woke and went up to check how long the dew would take to dry off it and I could put on a second coat. At this point I felt I could be in for a challenging day. All the paint had slide off in the heavy nights dew and was on the ground. I wiped off what was left, when down to the shops and did my shopping and came back about 10.30am to set about putting on another coat. This one dried and it now has two coats of dry paint and looks fabulous. I think if it I had missed you talk that morning I would have been a mental case in tears.
From Di Saunders
A little old couple walked slowly into McDonalds one cold winter evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what The admirers were thinking."Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!"
The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half.
He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the French fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger the crowd began to get restless. Again you could tell what they were thinking. "That poor old couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them."
As the man began to eat his French fries one young man stood and came over to the old couples' table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple to eat.The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything. Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them something to eat. This time the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing everything together. As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin the young man could stand it no longer. Again he came over to their table and offered to buy some food.
After being politely refused again he finally asked a question of the little old lady. "Ma'am, why aren't you eating. You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?" She answered...
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He said... Want a quickie? She said...As opposed to what?
There was this guy and he had a girlfriend named Lorraine who was very pretty and he liked her a lot.
One day he went to work and found that a new girl had started working there. Her name was Claire Lee and she was absolutely gorgeous. He became quite besotted with her and after a while it became obvious that she was interested in him too. But this guy was a loyal man and he wouldn't do anything with Claire while he was still going out with Lorraine. He decided that there was nothing left to do but to break up with Lorraine and get on with Claire.
He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to do it. Then one day they went for a walk along the riverbank when Lorraine slipped and fell into the river. The current carried her off and she drowned. The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing...
> > (Get ready...)
"I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone."
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My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
Barty was trapped in a bog and seemed a goner when Big Mick O'Reilly wandered by.
"Help!" Barty shouted, "Oi'm sinkin'!"
Don't worry," assured Mick. "Next to the Strong Muldoon, Oi'm the strongest man in Erin, and Oi'll pull ye right out o' there."
Mick leaned out and grabbed Barty's hand and pulled and pulled to no avail.
After two more unsuccessful attempts, Mick said to Barty, "Shure, an' Oi can't do it. The Strong Muldoon could do it alone, mebbe, but Oi'll have to get some help."
As Mick was leaving, Barty called "Mick! Mick!
D'ye think it will help if Oi pull me feet out of the stirrups.
From Clinton White
A young Scot went away to University and lived in the University's student quarters. A couple of weeks later his parents rang to see how things were going. He said that things were going well, except he was worried about his neighbours in the living quarters. One one side, the fellow kept bashing his head against the wall. On the other, the chap kept screeming. "How do you cope with that?" his parents asked. "Oh, it's OK, I just stay in my room practising the bagpipes."
From Peter Wells
There was a couple who had three children named NC, MC and ABC. Somebody asked them curiously why name like this.
He replied. The first one as a result of Natural Curiosity, the second one as a result of Mutual Consent. But the third one was a result of an Absolute Bloody Carelessness.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
-One - he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
- Rename the mail folder to "Instruction Manuals"
Three guys are golfing with the club pro. First guy tees off and hits a dribbler about 60 yards. He turns to the pro and says, "What did I do wrong?"
The pro says, "Loft."
The next guy tees off and hits a duck hook into the woods. He asks the pro, "What did I do wrong?"
The pro says, "Loft."
The third guy tees off and hits a slice into a pond. He asks the pro, "What did I do wrong?"
The pro says, "Loft."
As they're walking to their balls, the first guy finally speaks up. He says to the pro, "The three of us hit completely different tee shots, and when we asked you what we did wrong you gave the same exact answer each time. What is 'loft?'"
The pro says, "L-O-F-T: Lack Of Fucking Talent."
Thanks to Dawn Chote
Ralph returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, Ralph asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.
About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?"
Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, "Honey, please... just one more time before I die." She says, "Of course, Dear." And they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over & falls asleep. Ralph, however, worried about his impending death, tosses & turns until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could..."
At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen Ralph, I have to get up in the morning... you don't!"
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, "Oh my Gosh... I could be eating a slow learner."
- Lynda Montgomery
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Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic? - Lily Tomlin
Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing, "This looks much better on." On what? On fire?
I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people.
- Ed Bluestone
Willie the Whale and his whale girlfriend, Monica, are swimming happily through the ocean when they come upon a boat. On seeing the boat, Willie says, "Hey, I've got a great idea! Let's swim up under that boat and blow out really hard through our blowholes!"
Monica says, "Oh, I don't know..."
"Come on, it'll be fun, come on, just this once!", says Willie.
Monica agrees and they swim up under the boat and blow out, capsizing the boat and sending hapless sailors into the briny blue.
As they are swimming away, Willie says, "Wow, that was fun, wasn't it? Hey! I've got another idea! Let's swim back there and eat all the sailors!"
To which Monica, exasperated, replies, "Look, I agreed to the blow job, but I'm not swallowing any seamen."
Ferrari F1 Team Hires Local Pit Crew For Melbourne GP
The Ferrari F1 Team recently fired the whole Pit-Crew to employ some young unemployed youths from the Preston Area (For non locals
high unemployment). The decision to hire them was brought on by a documentary on how unemployed youths in the Preston area can remove a set of car wheels in less than 6 sec without proper equipment.
This was thought to be a good move as most races are won & lost in the pits these days & Ferrari would have an advantage. However Ferrari soon encountered a major problem not only were "da boyz" changing the tyres in under 6 seconds but within 60 sec they had resprayed, renumbered and sold the vehicle to the McLaren Team.
Stressed spelled backwards is 'DESSERTS'
I am amazed at radio DJ's today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.
- Jasper Carrott English comedian
I'm not sure if I have used this one before
but who cares
I love it!
A guy walks into an empty bar and says, "Hey, Bartender, give me a drink." So the guy sits down, sipping his drink, when he hears a small voice, "I like your tie."
The man turns to the bartender and says, "Did you say some- thing?"
"No, I didn't say anything," says the bartender.
The man shrugs it off. And again he hears the small voice call out, "Your hair looks really nice."
The man turns to the bartender and asks. "There it goes again, didn't you hear that?"
"No, replied the bartender, "I didn't hear anything."
Once again, the man returns to his drink when he hears, "Gee, that suit looks great on you."
"Bartender!" exclaimed the man, "I am absolutely sure I heard something. What's going on here?"
"Oh", said the bartender. "That must be our peanuts. They're complimentary."
Just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, "You'll never find anyone like me again!" I'm thinking, "I should hope not. If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?"
- Larry Miller
Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives. - Sue Murphy
"You want to know the best way to stop a runaway horse? Bet on it." - Unknown
What would Friday be without at least one Politically Incorrect joke?
A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night asks his mother, "Mom, why are wedding dresses white?"
The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows the town that your bride is pure."
The son thanks his mom, and then seeks his father opinion, "Dad, why are wedding dresses white?"
The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household appliances come in white."
Two guys trying to get in a quick eighteen holes, but there are two terrible lady golfers in front of them hitting the ball everywhere but where it's supposed to go.
The first guy says, "Why don't you go over and ask if we can play through?"
The second guy gets about halfway there and comes back. The first guy says, "What's wrong?"
He says, "One of them is my wife, and the other one is my mistress."
The first guy says, "That could be a problem. I'll go over." He gets about halfway there and comes back.
The second guy says, "What's wrong?"
The first guy says, "Small world."