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« Humour Shots 24 | Index | Humour Shots 26 »

Humour Shots Part Twenty Five

"Last week Human Resources said they were going to garnish my
wages. Call me dense, but I fail to see how a sprig of parsley
in my paycheck will make it any more attractive." -David Henry

John: "I'm a man of few words."
Bill: "I'm married, too."

A father is in church with three of his young children, in-
cluding his five year old daughter. As was customary, he sat
in the very front row so that the children could properly
witness the service.
During this particular service, the minister was performing
the baptism of a tiny infant. The little five year old girl
was taken by this, observing that he was saying something
and pouring water over the infant's head.
With a quizzical look on her face, the little girl turned to
her father and asked in a whisper, "Daddy, why is he brain-
washing that baby?"

"All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me
happy." -Spike Milligan

Tell your friend a lie. If he keeps it secret, then tell
him the truth.
---Portuguese Proverb


John decided life would be much easier if he had a clone. So
he had one made and sent him to work in his place while he
stayed home and relaxed.
Soon this backfired when the clone came home and said he'd been
fired for making sexual comments to the women in the office.
John decided, he had to get rid of his clone before things got
any worse. John took his clone to the top of a tall building and
pushed him off. Unfortunately, someone saw John and he was
arrested and convicted for making an obscene clone fall.

God came down and first he went to the Germans and said, "I have
Commandments for you that will make your lives better."
And the Germans asked, "What are Commandments?"
And the Lord said, "Rules for living."
"Can you give us an example?"
"Thou shalt not kill."
"Not kill? We're not interested."
So He went to the Italians and said, "I have Commandments."
And the Italians wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Thou
shalt not steal."
"Not steal? We're not interested."
He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments."
The French wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not
covet thy neighbor's wife."
"Not covet my neighbor's wife? We're not interested."
He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments."
"Commandments? How much are they?"
"They're free."
"Good then, we'll take 10!"

"My girlfriend is weird. She asked me, 'If you could know
how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?'
I said, 'No.' She said, 'Okay, then forget it.'"
--Steven Wright

Q: What did Kermit the Frog say when Jim Henson died?
A: Nothing.

Q: What do you call 5 lepers in a hot-tub?
A: Stew.

Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree.
After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the
air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground.
After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped,
and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again
while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad
Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she
chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."

I think I've found inner peace. My therapist told me a way to achieve inner peace was to finish things I had started.
Today I finished 2 bags of potato chips, a lemon pie, a fifth of Scotch and a small box of chocolate candy.
I feel better already.

"My wife claims I'm a baseball fanatic.
She says all I ever read about is baseball.
All I ever talk about is baseball.
All I ever think about is baseball........
I told her she's way off base."

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked after folding items the
woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I
noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"Do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping
with me, so I figured this was the worst thing I could do
to him."

A man was filling out a job application. When he came to the
question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote, "No."
The next question, intended for people who had answered in
the affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?"
The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."


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