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Humour Shots Part Twenty Six
KIDS ADVICE TO KIDS
"Never trust a dog to watch your food."
Patrick, age 10
"When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?' don't
"Never tell your mom her diet's not working."
"When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair".
"Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a Tic-Tac."
"You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk."
"If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse."
"Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick."
"I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to
someone who will leave them alone." --Elayne Boosler
"Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life in which you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you." -Fran Lebowitz
Things to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk:
- "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
- "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"
- "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"
- “Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
And the best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk:
A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"
"OK" the nun says "Pull into the next alley"
He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Fancy Dress party."
"My neighbor asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden." --Eric Morecambe
For the more literary minded….
Some helpful rules for better writing:
- 1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.
- 2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
- 3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
- 4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
- 5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat)
- 6. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
- 7. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
- 8. Be more or less specific.
- 9. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
- 10. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
- 11. No sentence fragments.
- 12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
- 13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
- 14. One should NEVER generalize.
- 15. Don't use no double negatives.
- 16. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
- 17. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake
- 18. The passive voice is to be ignored.
- 19. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
- 20. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
- 21. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
- 22. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
A man and woman the morning after their honeymoon night were discussing the
previous evenings' events. The woman says, "You are a terrible lover!" The man
replies, "How can you tell after only 30 seconds?"
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am sooo sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the theater followed by drinks.
They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come! to her place for a nightcap...and stay for breakfast the next morning.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!! Everything had been incredible!!!!
"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No, she replies.........
(Wait for it...)
(The suspense is killing you........)
“ You just happened to catch my eye."